The Revenge of the Centaurs
by madeyemarauder
Summary: Someone in the past reads the canon books, and changes things in the vague hope it will make things better.  While many things rae better, it upsets certain highly intelligent creatures who decide to teach magical humans a much-needed lesson.
1. Chapter 1

The Revenge of the Centaurs

Summary: What might happen if some fools send the canon books back to other fools suffering from the undreaded _Saving-people thing _syndrome?

Admission: **I don't own anything; so if anyone wants to pick up any crumbs from this table and use them to concoct a good fanfic, I'll be delighted.  
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**_I'm probably using many ideas I've read in other fanfics. Where I don't acknowledge them, it's because I haven't realised I was doing it. Dementia is not far off – I just stopped myself putting my eye drops in my ear at the last moment this morning. If anyone wants an unpaid job as a part-time carer, let me know._**

Prologue

Certain people, who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty, decided that if certain past events were rectified, the intervening time would be much less horrifying, and many people would be happier, for being alive if for no other reason.

As I don't want to give any stupid people any stupid ideas, I shall not describe their foolishness, but confine myself to describing certain results of their actions. The most notable of these was, that all people of importance to us in the canon found themselves in an alternative universe, some aspects of which it is my task to disclose.

After Tom Riddle married Bella Black, they decided to run a series of _Havens of Hope_. These were orphanages for muggles, wizards and witches, where all the children were able to grow up experiencing loving care, and were prepared for the appropriate kind of life in which they could contribute happily to the general welfare. As there was no Statute of Secrecy in the universe, they learned to accept each other's magic status or lack of it, and form whatever friendships came naturally. Tolerance of differences was the way these little worlds worked.

Lily and Severus Snape used the grounds of Prince Manor (**A/N: thanks to **Snapegirlkmf **for** **this wonderful place**) to grow plants for their potion ingredients industry. There was also room to invite a small herd of Unicorns, whose hairs were caught in trees and bushes, providing valuable wand cores (**Thanks to severusphoenix for this idea from the great story 3 Slytherin Marauders**) and the occasional shed horn for potions. As their ingredients were of the highest quality, the wholesalers gave them generous discounts on whatever they needed to buy for themselves. They found they also had time to run a primary school for about a dozen magic children who lived nearby.

James Potter joined Bagman as a beater for the Wimbourne Wasps. When Bagman retired, James became Captain, and continued their record run of successes. Whenever possible, he would go to watch the crucial games of the Hogwarts competition each year, keeping an eye out for future candidates. Sirius, now Lord Black, was a staunch supporter of the Wasps, and would always provide Quidditch robes for any newbies who were from less affluent families. He 'donated' Kreacher to Regulus when he set up his own establishment, and bought a friendlier elf from Dumbledore.

Arthur Weasley was, of course, Minister of Magic; and could not resist setting up weekly meetings with the Prime Minister. He removed the offending portrait, and a new PM would find when he first moved into his office, a mysterious letter asking him to be alone there at a certain time, and to stand well back from the fireplace. At this first meeting, he would bring copies of The Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and The Quibbler, to make it easier for the new PM to believe what he was being told.

Instead of twins, Percy was followed by triplets, who had to be called Tom, Dick and Harry. So in this universe, our man really was another son, not 'just like another son'. On their first birthday, they produced such a burst of accidental magic that the Burrow became an exact replica of Edinburgh Castle. Eight Hogwarts house elves begged Dumbledore to let them work for the Weasleys. So Arthur, Molly, Bill, Charlie, Tom Dick and Harry were lovingly looked after by Amby, Bobby, Cassie, Dabby, Eelie, Finky, Geekie and Horry. Apparently, eight is a stronger number than seven in elvish magic. Fair enough, as their magic is stronger than that of wizards. (**Can you guess which one looked after which family member? I haven't worked it out myself, so if enough people make suggestions, we'll solve it democratically.**)

Meanwhile, back at the story, Remus is a wardsman at St Mungo's, where isolation and treatment are available as needed. If Severus or Lily have to be away during school time, Remus can usually get leave of absence from St Mungo's to help them out. Wormtail was lucky to get a position as conductor on the Knight Bus. Ernie takes him under his wing and sorts out any problems for him.

Frank Longbottom is a herbologist. From his greenhouses many of the ingredients for St Mungo's potions are supplied. As Alice is an Auror, the MoM usually get their herbal potions supplies from them, too. Once he can walk, Neville makes himself useful looking after his younger brothers and sisters; he also gets to help in the simplest greenhouse, which is given to him as his own on his sixth birthday. Most of his babysitting is done there after that.

**I know I'm jumping backwards and forwards in time; I'm jotting down the ideas as they come. Since this is a one-off idea, I won't try to make it conform to the calendar later.**

Later on, Percy gets allocated to the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee. It is soon realised that he knows more about Muggles than anyone else on the Committee, so although lack of seniority makes him ineligible as Chairman, all decisions are in practise left to him. The older members are so impressed that they boast about him to their contemporaries, so he is often consulted on Muggle matters by various other departments. Incidentally, this frees up quite a bit of the Minister's time, so he doesn't feel he's neglecting his work by dropping in on the PM whenever he wants to. His views on nepotism are quite well known so no one tries to court favour by suggesting Percy's talents would justify early promotion. Percy also prefers to earn his way up by solid work.

Dolores is a Squib. Her family make her so unwelcome that she ends up singing in a Muggle nightclub. In spite of her piercing voice, her tone is so heartbroken that she becomes quite popular. This doesn't make up for the fact that she hates what she is doing, and why she is doing it. Only when she is courted by the Prewett Squib does she feel that life might turn out to be worth living. One effect of this is that her voice loses its 'popular' quality, but after her marriage, she can concentrate on raising a family in the hope of a witch or wizard child, as her husband's financial affairs are quite healthy.

Fudge was lucky enough to qualify for the navy-blue robes of Magical Maintenance at the Ministry; but as every job he was given tended to end in disaster, Arthur gave the 'Important Task' of keeping the Atrium looking its best by removing the ashes from the floo entrances. After a few weeks, he got the hang of this, and his supervisor get into the habit of sending him a memo every hour reminding him to check the entrances again. As this was all he seemed to be able to do, he was allowed to come in an hour later than the others in the morning, as he had to stay on after hours until the Atrium was ready for the next day's arrivals.

**Any suggestions to what we could replace the Fountain of Magical Brethren with? We need something to provide funds for St Mungo's as nobody can buy their influence at the Ministry by their generous donations.**

Petunia marries Alastor – there might be a story there for someone with the energy to work on it – Marge marries Fubster; Vernon becomes a professional boxer, and Hagrid, a full wizard, is groundsman at Hogwarts. His father is still alive, so Hagrid visits him every month on the weekend nearest to the full moon. (This saves him having to look in the calendar – he can see the moon on his way home after dinner most nights.) Oh, yes, Sibyl is barmaid at the Hog's Head.

**Thus ends the Prologue. I expect the one and only chapter to show the dire results of the change of universe. However, by the time I get it up, I might need two chapters. Time will tell, but it hasn't spoken to me yet. Perhaps my inner ear needs tuning.**


	2. Chapter 2 The Centaurs

The Centaurs

Summary: What might happen if some fools send the canon books back to other fools suffering from the undreaded _Saving-people thing _syndrome?

Admission: **I don't own anything; so if anyone wants to pick up any crumbs from this table and use them to concoct a good fanfic, I'll be delighted.**

**_I think I forgot to say what happened to the Malfoys. As I have no job for them in this chapter we'll just let them stew in their own juice for the present._**

**So much for the humans. The Centaurs, however realised immediately, that instead of the position of Mars indicating that the present Wizard war was about to end and usher in a few years of peace before the next war began, the red planet found itself 100 light years further away from Earth, visible only as a red dot. Some older centaurs could not even see it. The moon also receded; it was so far away that it no longer affected werewolves; however, Venus came closer so that the Morning and Evening stars more than compensated for the moon and provided adequate night vision. Saturn suddenly found itself a quarter of a orbit ahead of where it expected to be, and Mercury moved into its vacated place. Pluto moved to block Sirius, so that the dog star was no longer visible from Earth.**

**A Council of War was immediately convened by the Centaurs. Herds came from England, Scotland and Wales; and messages were sent by Thestrals to overseas Herds. Mallowsweet and other herbs which had been used to help discern the messages of the heavens were found to have stopped growing. Specialists set about finding herbs that would replace them in this new universe. Until this could be done, they had no knowledge of the future. However, almost all were agreed that the situation had been caused by human wizards interfering with time.**

**After some months, it was found that if large quantities of Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme (thanks, P, P & M) were boiled and the resulting tea were drunk, they could discard certain theories and felt that the risk of adopting others was justified. As a result, it was determined that humans were to be stopped from all their Dirty methods of Divination: crystal balls, tea-leaf readings, Tarot cards, examining the time-lines on hands, guessing at the meaning of dreams, Astrology, and especially Augury.**

**They advanced into the Castle, and announced to the assembled school that while they would not harm the foals, the teaching staff, who had allowed Dark Divination to pollute the school, were to be expelled. If they did not accept this, they had three choices: to be kicked to death or to imitate Saint Sebastian or Saint Cassian.**

**(****_Saint Sebastian was martyred by being pierced throughout his body by arrows; Cassian, until he was removed from the martyrology after the second Vatican Council because there was no evidence he had ever existed, was alleged to have been a Christian teacher, condemned to be slowly bled to death by repeated little stabs from his pagan pupils' styluses. The process was said to have taken three days._****)**

**The groundsman Hagrid, although a wizard, was not held responsible, as he was not a teacher, and many of the Centaurs were impressed by the care he took of all the creatures, magic and non-magic, who needed his help in the forest. He was instructed (after the bloodless departure of the teaching staff) to summon the Minister of Magic to meet the Centaur Council of War.**

**Arthur Weasley listened to their account of what the time-tampering wizards had done to the universe, agreed that they were fully justified in their actions. He undertook to pass a law immediately forbidding Dark Divination. In return, he asked them to select from their herd a Board of Governors who would prudently oversee the curricula and teaching staff. He begged them to assign a hundred to their number to replace the Dementors of Azkaban, while these vile creatures would be imprisoned by an international body of wizards with the strongest Patronuses, who would starve them to death by a fence of happiness. This was accomplished in less than two months.**

**The Board of Governors appointed Remus Lupin, whose conduct while at school had impressed them, to replace Dumbledore as Headmaster of Hogwarts. He invited — subject to ratification by the Board of Governors — the following staff to replace those so summarily dismissed:**

**DADA and Deputy Headmaster, Alastor Moody;**

**Ancient Runes: Rufus Scrimgeour;**

**Arithmancy, Sibyl Trelawney;**

**Astrology, Alice Longbottom;**

**Care of Magical Creatures: Rubeus Hagrid;**

**Charms: Lily Snape;**

**Herbology: Frank Longbottom;**

**History of Magic: Peter Pettigrew;**

**Muggle Studies: Andromeda Tonks;**

**Potions: Severus Snape;**

**Transfiguration: Sirius Black;**

**Remus took Flying himself, as it only involved those First Years who had not previously flown, and wished to learn; this only took about a month, with lessons once a week.**

**The Board were asked to arrange lessons in Centaur Divination in the Forest for Fourth Years who opted to take it; and only those graded Outstanding in O.W.L.S. could continue to CD N.E.W.T.S.**

**As I go to press, there are no reviews for the prologue, so I'll end this here.**


End file.
